My Best Friend Ghosted Me. I've Never Felt Freer, Here's Why.
My closest friend of nearly two years ghosted Me this month. Initially, I was hurt then angry, but the distance allowed Me to see how she had been checked out of our friendship; it even allowed Me to see that she may have never been My friend to start with.
I thought I had found My partner in crime.
Imagine meeting someone who you could tell was amazing, but life had beaten them down so bad they couldn’t see it. That’s how I felt when I met My former best friend. A series of bad decisions and relationships had left her doubting her own abilities. She was living below her potential, but I saw her for who she was hidden beneath her pain.
Starting as an online admirer of My work, she was one of My first coaching clients in October 2017. In less than two years, it’s like I don’t know her. Truthfully, I don’t. She’s not the woman I met, partially due to how much I invested in her. After completing My program, I gave her the opportunity to deliver her first keynote speech at one of My events, put her on tour free of charge and even My payroll so that she could afford to hang out with Me.
I saw her as more than a friend, like a sister actually and treated her as one. Even today, after I’ve had to process her ghosting Me and the possible reasons why, I have not a bad thing to say about her. I’m just left processing.
No one incident is enough to end a good relationship, whether its romantic or platonic.
You’d have never convinced Me that getting My eyebrows done would lead to My friendship ending, but it provided the opportunity to accept that it had in fact, ended months ago. Getting My brows tattooed left Me an emotional wreck, it was traumatizing, and I hurt more because I went through it alone. When I expressed My pain online, a few of My friends reached out. I text them all back that I was dealing with it, I was in no mood to talk.
Each friend text back a warm message letting Me know when ready, they’d be there for Me. Each friend that is except My closest one. Instead, I woke up the next morning to a long tirade on her social media about how she wasn’t a bad person, she couldn’t be there for everyone and her life was full of challenges she was facing. I felt attacked immediately, also shocked and hurt. Yet, I waited. I knew that she would text or call Me, she never did.
Absence can make the heart grow fonder or give it time to process things it’s been ignoring.
The time away from her gave Me time to look back and try to figure out what I could have possibly done to hurt her so bad. The reflection time broke My heart, it forced Me to acknowledge that she’d been distancing herself for months, biding her time almost. When I looked back, it had been almost six weeks at that point since we’d had a real conversation. Before that, she’d been saying for almost two months she was working on projects and dealing with things and she’d talk to Me about them after the tour ended. I created an opportunity to catch up the day before I got My brows done, I went on a bus trip with all My closest female friends. My “best” friend was reclusive, wore headphones on the bus ride, avoided Me during the trip and even went to have dinner without Me while we were out together.
The more I looked back, the more I realized a pattern. We never did anything she wanted to do. I always asked, but she allowed Me to pick all our excursions. She knew all My other friends and people in My life, they had become her friends too, but I hadn’t met her other friends. I recalled our last conversation before the bus trip, I had verbally told her that I was at a point where I was afraid to even call and bother her because I felt like she was waiting for a last straw to end the friendship.
The more time I had to process why it was so easy for her to just walk away from our friendship, I was smacked in the face with a reality that I had refused to allow Myself to acknowledge. She had been by My side the whole time it benefited her, literally. Our relationship started with Me as her coach, when it ended, I gave her a business opportunity. Right after that, I came into money, I made loans that didn’t need to be paid back and took her places. One day she said she was tired of feeling like the poor friend, I put her on payroll, making sure money was no longer an issue between us. I even flew her first class when I flew her places with Me.
It was the last week of April when I told her that I was giving her 90 more days on payroll because I wanted to be help, not a crutch; I wanted to see her shine on her own, out of My shadow. She was more than My best friend, she was always to Me, the amazing woman I knew was hidden beneath her pain. The next 90 days coincided with the tour and a week-long trip to LA on Me; she was by My side dutifully playing best friend. No one, especially I, would expect when the money stopped, the friendship would too but somehow, they just happened to occur at the same time.
Moving on isn’t easy when you’re constantly bombarded with memories of the person who hurt you.
Though she obviously checked out of My life, she refuses to communicate with Me. There’s been not one text, inbox or call since I responded to her reaching out in response to My pain after My brow procedure. I could deal with that IF I had not introduced her to literally everyone in My life. While she’s not speaking to Me, she’s showing up in the reactions of all My friends social media posts. These are people she only knows through or because of Me and now, I get anxiety just seeing their posts because I know I’m going to see her name. I was forced to unfollow her because it hurts to see her discussing so much online that she hasn’t and won’t discuss with Me.
It hurt so bad to see her reach a major win and find out through social media. I remember when I was one of the first people she’d call to celebrate. Even more isolating was that she had a whole other life, a safe place to vent, friends she hadn’t introduced Me too. All My friends were her friends too; I shared everything, business resources, friends, money, experiences. Daily, Facebook reminds Me how much she’s been a major part of her life and how much I made it convenient for her to “put up” with Me. I say “put up” with because I realize that like with many people before her, I was overcompensating to make or keep a friend.
Being abandoned or rejected by the people we love and crave attention from most can cause us to become doormats to other people, fearing that we will run them away if we stand up for ourselves.
I’ve struggled with abandonment issues since childhood. My dad left Me with an abusive mom; My abusive mom left Me alone with not only her abusive husband and later, her best friend who molested Me, but left Me for a man in My teens, taking the younger kids and moving out the house to live with her guy and his family. Never having experienced real love, men would use Me sexually and financially and leave Me when they’d used Me up. For years, I lived in a state of either being alone or constantly feeling like I was bending, stretching and allowing Myself to be mentally and emotionally abused just to keep someone around.
I’ve only briefly talked about it, but I just escaped an emotionally abusive friendship in July of last year. I had literally been trying to get out of it since November of 2017, but the person refused to let go. They gaslit and manipulated Me for almost another year, constantly belittling My dreams, attempting to hold Me back and make Me feel stupid when call him out on his toxic behavior. Finally, when My life was going too well, and they realized I was no longer susceptible to their words and behavior, they ghosted Me. It took Me weeks, just as it did this time to realize it. I was used to the love takeaway game when I stood up for Myself, it had been a pattern with all My abusers.
The first week he didn’t speak to Me I thought he was being vindictive to regain control. The second week I was worried, even though he was hurting Me, I still bought and shipped him a birthday gift. I waited for weeks, then months, for some kind of reply, a “fuck you” at least. It’s been 15 months since someone I talked to every day just disappeared out My world. Like with the “friend” who recently did the same, I realized that they had never truly let Me in their world after 3 years. We talked daily about their job, but they had never told Me exactly where they worked. He constantly talked about the other people in his life but, after three years, I hadn’t met ONE of them.
I have a habit of being much more of a friend to people than they are to Me. I make it easy and convenient to be My friend, in this most recent case, damn near paid someone to be My friend. I declare I will never do that again. I’d rather be alone than allow someone else to use and abuse Me, take from Me and walk away when I stand up for Myself or stop giving so much. I just want a normal friendship where two people have more in common that trauma to bond over and sick mind control games.
I always stay too long. I don’t leave when relationship sour, always afraid to be a failure, be unlovable yet again. I allow Myself to be depleted in every sense of the word and then sit patiently for them to decide that I no longer served a purpose. I find it too hard to walk away, almost fearing no one else will want to be around again.
Going to Mexico to work on My personal development was probably the best thing I’ve done this year. While there, I signed up to go to Jamaica next year on a Black women’s retreat because I realized finally how much I’d been going out My way to accommodate women who were responsible for offering little to nothing in return. I unconsciously keep recreating relationships where I’m giving more in exchange for someone simply “being there.” I know I have unhealed trauma around females starting with My mom, grandmother, sister and other relatives I feel abandoned Me.
I’m glad My admirer turned client, turned hired friend stopped speaking to Me. For the first time I get a chance to sit back and see that it’s My need for someone to stay that has caused Me to allow people to mistreat Me. I wouldn’t have walked away from the friendship, I’d have kept making excuses for why she wasn’t calling, texting or making plans to see Me. Hell she even skipped My birthday, no gift, and never made plans to hang out when I got back from Mexico.
Today I finally gather up to energy and emotion to block My former best friend on social media. Today I stop covering for her and hiding My feelings when people ask what happened. Today is the day I finally acknowledge we don’t have the same definition of friendship and when I stopped paying her to put up with listening to Me, she did. We’ve never had an argument or problem, never exchanged harsh words and I never wish a bad day on her. I just accept that she’s no longer a part of My life.