I Love Sex & Men, But I Love Me More.
I took a huge step towards My happiness today. If you follow My personal blog here or even My random rants on My adult blog about being unhappy with My sex and personal life, you can see that I’ve been experiencing inner turmoil. I have a hard outer shell but I’m really a softie, only people who actually know Me, know that though.
I know that I have blocked Myself off from people, especially men. I’ve been so damaged and because of My own personal struggles, I’ve felt inadequate. Feelings of inadequacy can lead to us accepting less than we deserve in life. There were issues within Myself I hadn’t wanted to deal with, things about Myself I wasn’t ready to be open about, which intimacy required. I was very happy offering only pieces of Myself and taking pieces of others.
During this period of My life I amassed a series of long term lovers who remained in My life throughout My boyfriends and single years. I was able to keep them as lovers over the year because our relationship was based on little but sex. No matter how much you try to keep things distant after years of laying with someone, feelings start to develop. Sometimes these feelings are good and bad.
I’ve been writing for almost a year that I needed new lovers, I’ve been saying it without specifically saying I needed to cut off My old lovers. I know that part of the reason I’ve felt unhappy with My sex and social life is the lack of the type of people I want to interact with. In a sense, I’ve been settling. Just as I have eliminated the old friends that I hung out with, it was time to also stop sleeping with the same people.
The people I’ve been sleeping with who have been in My life long-term lovers have outlasted the stages of My life I met them in. Recently, I have sex out of a feeling of obligation, not lust or need of affection. I wanted to just chill with My lovers and they pushed for sex. I couldn’t figure out how to say no without having the talk I’d been dreading having so I went along with it. Of course, I hated Myself afterwards. I kept debating when and how I could end these relationships that were damaging to My spirit.
I’ve changed. While I’m not ready to settle down and get married, I’m more than ready to find a guy or two that I have things in common with past sex. I’m not 100% against the idea of settling down with the right guy, but I’m not in a rush. I would like to date however.
Having these long-term lovers allowed Me to avoid the two things I feared most, dating and sleeping with new men. We all have our quirks, Mine is confronting the differences between Me and Sapphire when trying to develop new relationships. I am so tired of men meeting Me and then becoming enamored with Sapphire, or worse, pretending to like Me because of Sapphire. Dating in this new technology age can be very disturbing.
So I’ve clung to these men, one who I’ve slept with for 10 years and don’t even know his last name. Have laid with for 10 years and he doesn’t know My child name, the only time I’ve ever seen one of his children is when his teenage son accidentally walked in on us. I haven’t been to his home in years, for all I know he is married with a family. One of My other lovers, he and I have been sleeping together since 2010. He has never had Me to his home, we never go out on dates, he never even asks if I need anything when I allow him to visit.
Anyone who knows Me would find that a ridiculous notion because I’m totally spoiled. Everyone knows that men I’ve never even slept with treat Me like a princess. To find that the guys that I actually lie down with treat Me like crap would surprise people. I actually use these men to keep Me from having to sleep with new men. You know what it also did? It kept Me from meeting someone who might treat Me better.
I think I became disillusioned with men and sating after My last relationship ended. It really hurt Me. I had been single for 5 years because My prior relationship has been so good and so good for Me, that I refused to just settle. For 5 years, I slept alone every night waiting to meet someone I could be real with, who understood Me without judging.
I finally met him on My birthday in 2014. I thought we were a match made in heaven, even though he was barely out of his previous relationship. For the first time in 5 years however, I had finally met a man who I felt I had a true connection to. A man who I could tell My secrets to, a man I could lie up and talk to for hours, go on long rides and walks in the park. I took this man to worship and meet My family. I was in love.
Being in love, I ventured out of My shell and not only allowed someone to love me, but I loved. I gave of Myself unconditionally. I was devastated that he cheated when I had already talked to him about sleeping with other people openly. I was horrified when I accepted that he did and stayed with him, but he carried on the affair. It broke Me, trying to figure out what I could have done to make him love Me more.
It wasn’t Me. It just wasn’t the time for us. In fact, I would have been open to us reconnecting in the future if he had changed his ways. Sadly, he continued to pursue Me while continuing a relationship with the girl he had cheated on Me with. Almost two years later, he has not stopped pursuing Me but now I know it’s not even an avenue I’d like to pursue. In fact, even though the last time he called Me, his little “girlfriend” caught him, he called yesterday. I didn’t pick up.
What I did do this morning is tell Myself it’s time to cut these ties that bind Me to bad feelings, bad memories and bad for Me people. I won’t be entertaining My ex. I now know that not only was it not the time for us, but that he is a liar and a cheater. His character is not even friend worthy.
Along with reminding Myself that My ex is persona non-grata I sent out three important text messages. Two went to the long-time lovers I described above, the third went to a new lover I picked up last year. I let all three of them know, that while I have thoroughly enjoyed our time together, I could no longer put up with how I felt after we had sex. I told them that although I was happy to maintain the friendship, that I needed to sexually based unions could only last so long and I needed to find love I could be open with and close to on a deeper level.
It was time, Valentine’s day is approaching and I’ve already been agonizing for over a week how alone I will be. I’ve already been angry for over a week about the fact that I’ve been sleeping with two of them for years but they never get Me a gift for any holiday, even My birthday. I’ve already been setting Myself up for disappointment and angry that I can’t demand anything more from them because I know that I could have never expected it from the beginning. You can’t change the rules in the middle of the game.
What has an even deeper meaning, is the fact that these situationships are all so insignificant that I can say that I ended it via a text message. Each one sent Me a text back saying that they understood and we could continue friendship. Not one asked to talk further, no one tried to argue with Me. That’s how insignificant it was to them.
I feel free today, like I freed Myself of people who had no good use for Me, as well as people I had no place in My life for. I am going to lower the barrier around My heart and get out more, open My mind to meeting more men. I want a man I can do all the things with that matter to Me. I need someone I can go for nature walks with, enjoy festivals and museums with, someone I can be a total kid with or cuddle up all day and watch movies I would never have watched because he likes them.
I need a man in My life I can be Myself with, someone I can explore My fetishes and fantasies with. Someone I can explore spirituality with. Hell, I need a man in My life I can share My love of reading with. I’m tired of sleeping with men who I share nothing in common with except our love of weed and sex. I am so much better than that.
Since I’ve come to a point where I’m already ready to be Myself, to be 100% honest about who I am when I meet men, this is a good thing. I’ve been through so much lately, a lot of losses and life changes, it’s only right I take this last step. I have to accept My life has changed and go with the flow. I’m also going to start looking for a new therapist. I know I can’t do this alone.