Could You Be Grieving and Not Know It? Let's Look At How Grief Can Show Up in Your Life.
I feel like I want to switch to My granny voice and be like "Now looka here chile'" while I write this but when I say that the revelations that I've had and am going to share, should be spread in the street like the gospel. There's so much about life that we are just NOT taught to deal with. I swear, sometimes it feels like all My elders did was put a roof over My head and food in My stomach because when I have to confront real life issues, I'm like where was THIS talk. But I digress.
If you've been following Me on TikTok or Facebook, then you know that as the seasons change, I have been doing deep soul searching as I attempt to shift My current state of life, feeling and thinking. I thought that loneliness was eating Me alive, I confronted that loneliness because it made no sense, I knew it had to be a mask for something else.
I pulled up on loneliness like it stole My man and was like LOOK, we need to deal with whatever this is we been doing.. The loneliness unmasked itself and it was something I had never looked at face to face; it was grief. In My personal life, coaching business and advocacy, I've made it clear the one thing I didn't deal with was death. See, that's My foolish fault for thinking that death was the only thing that brought grief. Here grief was, following Me, sitting with Me, talking to Me daily, masked as loneliness so that I would pay attention.
The grief told Me it had been around a long time, I just refused to see it, acknowledge it, or let it close to Me. I found that hidden grief is often called 'disenfranchised grief', and it had finally caught up with Me. Over the past few days, I've done a video series on Tiktok and facebook ( watch My Tiktok videos HERE & Check out My Facebook HERE ) acknowledging not only the grief, but the various reasons for the grief. I come from a background where there was no time for grief, life was about surviving, I learned a long time ago to get busy so I didn't have time to feel. I had no idea that I was still doing it. Not being busy was attacking Me so hard, I really thought loneliness and depression were eating Me alive. But no, I was still; that means I had time to feel for the first time in forever and I had a lot of pain and losses that I'd put to the side as I just kept moving.
I've started studying grief and all the things that someone can grieve outside of death. Though there were two significant deaths in the past 7 years, I knew it was deeper than death. Not to offend but I've lost parents and didn't feel the way I've been feeling. As I've been pointing out lately, My increasingly worsening health and limited mobility have been so emotionally taxing on Me. I didn't realize that I've been in deep mourning over the loss of My health, My high flying lifestyle, I was on the go every other week before I got sick. I've been grieving My inability to up and go like I once did, to take care of Myself as independently as I was accustomed to.
As My financial situation has changed, I am grieving the loss of My lifestyle and the flexibility, safety and security I once had. In the past 2 years, I've ended 2 long term overlapping romantic relationships while still being close to each and nit having healing space nor time. Hell, I returned to My home church only to be ostracized and called at home for something a deacon saw online. I've been grieving the loss of My church family and so much more.
However, instead of grieving, I got busy, busy doing something, anything, to not feel. Instead, I became numb. Now that I can recognize the grief, I can see how the numbing of My emotions has been affecting other areas of My life as well. The pieces are starting to fall in place.
It's okay to grieve if you find yourself struggling with things that hurt or change your life. They might look like
Chronic illness and pain
Family feuds and fallouts
Endings of relationships whether romantic or platonic
Changes in job, lifestyle, location
Not being able to accomplish your goals or watching your dream pass by
Missed opportunities
Loss of time, childhood or youth due to trauma
All of these things and MORE are common and valid reasons to grieve. Sometimes, we don't realize it's grief we are actually feeling as it can show up in many disguises. Not sure what I mean? Let's look at how grief can show up. Grief can look different in everyone, for some, it may look like
Emotional numbness
Being short tempered
Brain fog or forgetfulness
Being overly productive and staying busy
Headaches, stomachaches and unexplained pain
Fatigue or probes sleeping
Escapism through addictions like alcohol or drugs
Isolation and withdrawing from loved ones
Perfectionism or controlling behavior
Impulsiveness or risk taking behavior
Obsessing about the future or hyper fixating on the past
If you're like Me, and this resonates, the good thing is, there are ways that we can process and cope with our grief so that we can heal and move forward.
First, you must acknowledge the loss(es) you're feeling and give yourself permission to grieve. Understand that this may look different every day while you heal. If you need to scream, cry, rant and rave, dance, write, whatever you need to do to get it out, as long as it's not harmful to yourself or others is perfectly fine. You also must be cognizant that grief is like any other pain, sometimes, you think you've gotten through the pain, then it creeps back up on you. There's no timetable to grieving, especially, if like Me, you've been holding back your grief for years.
There are going to be times that you need to talk about your grief. It may be to a supportive friend or family member, but it's okay to join a support group or even a grew community. Grief is a serious issue for some, and it's not uncommon to feel the need to seek out support, even therapy if necessary.
I'm a big advocate of expressing your emotions creatively. I might not have discovered I was grieving if not for the written journals and video blogs I did exploring My feelings. I've also spent hours coloring either intricate or inspirational images while in deep thought, allowing My mind to explore things that it can't when I'm active. Creating, in whatever fashion, is a great way to explore your inner thoughts and emotions.
Oddly, practicing self-care is a great way to work through grief. Some, like Myself, stop prioritizing self-care when in pain. Take that shower, run a bath, allow yourself to feel good. Get some sleep, you need rest to heal. Allow yourself to feel your best physically while trying to get to that same level emotionally. Don't sit inside, get some sun, a little exercise. Eat something that makes you feel good and is good for you. You deserve to be well in all manners.
But most importantly, you'll need to start creating a new normal. That's why it's so important to acknowledge the loss. I've spent so much time wandering around this house confused on what to do next, refusing to acknowledge things have changed so My routine must also. Don't get stuck in that cycle, acknowledge what was, celebrate it, mourn it, find a way to commemorate it if you like, but, it's time to move forth. Your new normal is waiting for you. I wrote this paragraph to Myself, but you can have it too (wink)