April Was a Great Month BUT I Need a Mental Health Break.
I had some of the best experiences last weekend and though I can say that, My emotions have been a rollercoaster ride this week.
I am extremely comfortable and confident in and with Myself but My anxiety disorder isn’t aware of that. Saturday I spoke on the Seacaucus, New Jersey stop for the I Didn’t Know My Own Strength Tour with Shaunesi DeBerry. Though I knew for three weeks in advance almost that I would be speaking on the 29th, I could not figure out for the life of Me what I would speak on.
The theme of course is knowing your own strength and using it to overcome adversity. I’ve been through so much adversity, overcame so many things. I kept asking Myself what I could share with these women, that would not only help them but not cause them to dislike Me.
My anxiety was in overdrive because I was traveling differently. Instead of My normal driver where I know 100% I’m GOOD, I was traveling with Shaunesi. I couldn’t do any of My normal quirky things that I do while traveling. I found Myself holding My hands a lot to keep Myself focused.
Sitting on that panel of women, knowing I was one of the youngest and the only one who had come from the adult industry was intimidating. I kept asking Myself how I could tell My story and yet not offend.
I decided to start with a poem from My new book of poetry, Writing for My Sanity titled “Born into this Jealous Life I Live.” It was a hit, they liked Me before I even began to speak. I told them I could have shared any of the times I had to be stronger than I thought I was but I wanted to focus on this situation.
I explained to them how coming from a life of promiscuity, sexual assault and the adult entertainment industry, it is hard to talk to a room full of women. It is hard to meet women, make friends, hard to connect past the judgements women make of each other. I talked to them about how we must learn to see the value of people on the inside. As women we need each other, yet we spend so much time judging and assuming we push away the people who need us most.
We’re all hurting, we’ve all been through some things. We can’t let those things affect how we treat people and the world as a whole. I’ve always wanted to connect to women. It seemed like the hardest thing in the world to do because of the way I was perceived. Women wouldn’t even take a chance in getting to know Me.
I started this site specifically geared towards women, I am so excited to finally start feeling comfortable talking to them. My whole life, men have loved Me, women hate Me. But through sharing My struggle, My pains and experiences I can find a way to relate to them finally.
It’s crazy that I have to open all of My wounds and lay them bare before total strangers for them to see I have value. Horrible I have to tear Myself down to build them up. Why can’t they see Me from the outside and know that I’m no different from them?
I really touched not only the people in the audience but one woman on the panel with Me in particular. When she spoke, she spoke to Me directly at times and said the most amazing things. I felt love and acceptance in this room.
The next evening, though I could barely walk all day, I attended a spoken word poetry event. It gave Me life, I needed that energy so much. There’s a really clique like mentality in much of the local spoken word scene. I was excited when I heard there was a low-key event where there was free food, fellowship and poetry. I was like sign Me up.
I took My best friend and a local sister girl. I had only planned to perform one poem but somehow, I got pulled into a cipher later that allowed Me to spit another poem. The food, the atmosphere and the art was great. I walked out feeling better than I had in days but knowing I needed a break.
I don’t know if it was the culmination of a long month, the overload of emotions from listening to so many stories of strength and survival from the women at the Saturday tour stop or something inside of Me, but I knew after the poetry event that I needed a break. I needed rest and a chance to pull back from being ON, being LIKED and even being THERE for someone else.
Monday and Tuesday I stayed on My couch alone and quiet the majority of the day. Tuesday I did yoga for the first time in months. Wednesday I got up and joined the gym first thing in the morning. Other than a few small things that I felt I could handle without overloading Myself, I have had a quiet week. It’s been so needed.
I want to be everything to everyone sometimes but I can’t. None of us can, and us women have to be very careful about making sure we take time for self-care.
This Mental Health Awareness Month I’m definitely putting My mental health first. Are you?
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