Wo(man) Down: I'm Going to Need Time to Refuel Soon.
Mannnn, I’ve been depressed for weeks and no one noticed. It took for Me to crash this weekend to realize I’m way overdue for some self-care. I keep putting things off because to Me, the projects I take on and the people I meet, seem more important than Myself. The old statement is true, “If I’m taking care of you and you’re taking care of you, then who is taking care of Me?”
I have truly never felt more alone than since I’ve opened up My real self to the world. I’ve been a public figure for 11 years, hiding behind the façade of Sapphire. I needed to be free, I needed to not be an enigma wrapped in a pretty package but show My sustenance. I honestly thought that by opening up and showing people who I really was that I would finally find Myself not so alone.
I never expected miracles, but it seems like I was so misjudged when I lived behind My façade. I know how amazing I am, I thought if I took the wall down and let others see maybe someone would care to be My friend.
It didn’t hit Me until after I was sexually assaulted twice in My own home last week, after saying Me Too, too many times, that I was seriously traumatized and in a downward spiral. Minutes before I started to type this, I was listening to an advanced copy of My podcast interview with Local Color a Baltimore based podcast. While listening to the podcast where we talked about My life mental illness, businesses and more, I talked in detail about the precautions I take to make sure things like Me being raped and assaulted in My home again wouldn’t happen. I’ve been so caught up in My depression the last few weeks, however, that My actions have become manic.
When I’m in a manic state I’m just going and going with little slow down, sleep or even reasoning behind My actions. I stupidly allowed 2 different men to come to My home at night one of the things I point out that I never do in the podcast interview. I know both of them see Me sexually and both know I don’t see them that way. I can see I told them both in writing before they even came over that it was a non-sexual invite. Yet, both tried and tried hard, when they came. One actually got into a tugging match with Me over My pants.
This happened to Me two days in a row and it took Me another two days to tell anyone. When I finally spoke up, that’s when I think I broke. It took for Me to break down on live cam, crying, telling something so intimate to total strangers, that I realized how alone I feel. I have a father and stepmom, 5 siblings, and a phone ful of numbers I never call or text. When I was assaulted, there was no one to call because here’s no one who cares.
I know a lot of people say they care. I even got a few text messages afterwards to say if you need to talk. No one said, “I’m coming over” or “You shouldn’t be alone”. No one picked up the phone and just called. People wanted permission and validation in the middle of Me falling apart.
Let’s face truth, if you know I was assaulted and am on live cam sharing My pain with strangers, and you have to question whether or not you should call? If you have to question our friendship enough that you need permission to call, then we must not really be friends. Guess what? I already figured that out because If you have My number to text, I had it to call when I needed help. I just felt you were useless or uncaring and your text in the middle of such a situation, proved it.
After My video post, I got in bed and stayed there. Monday, I stayed in bed, Tuesday I only got out to go to the writing workshop. When I got outside some strange guy followed Me on the street and then tried to buy My stuff for Me. The whole time, I’m telling him no. he said some evil shit to Me before he walked away finally. I recorded another live video afterwards. I felt worse. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday I stayed in bed. I was in pain the whole time, I had a hard time reaching and had spasms throughout My whole upper body.
Over the last few days, while in bed, depressed and wallowing in My own misery, I had way too much time to think. Thinking is often My enemy. This time, I think it was My friend.
It’s like I’ve been living in a manic state all year. At the beginning of the year, I was in the middle of a huge fight with My only constant companion, it’s continued all year. Add that to the fact that My best friend of 16 years and the man who was everything to me, has been in a coma for almost two years now. In February or March, I walked into My therapist’s office for My normal bi-weekly appointment and was told abruptly that she couldn’t see Me any longer. That after 7.5 years of seeing her 1-3 days a week, she no longer accepted My insurance and cutting Me off was just that simple.
I’ve moved non-stop sine, I’ve avoided getting a new therapist, instead throwing Myself into Stronger Than My Struggles. This business has been My therapy. You can’t hide from your problems though, and as much as I love what I’ve been doing it’s still leaving Me empty, uncared for and with no outlet. I’ve longed for true female interaction for so long, I just want a girlfriend or two to eat with, laugh with, talk real to, go out with.
I can’t deal with all this trying to be friends with men because they see Me as a sex symbol or worse, a suck Me fuck Me blow up doll. I wanted to connect with females so bad. I thought more female interaction was the key to Me being happier because I am so tired of being alone. Sadly, with My openness, I’ve found the same things I got tired of in the entertainment industry. I’m great for business, great to attach to because My name does well. They don’t try to connect with Me outside of work, I never get a call or invite. Even worse, they team up with me for projects and then disappear, leaving Me to make it happen so they can show up on day of.
Right now, I’m in the process of publishing My 6th book this year. It will be My 6th book in nine months. Who does something like that, and who doesn’t see someone do this and realize she’s sick. In 9 months I’ve published 6 books, launched a new business, launched a series of workshops, launched a coaching program, became a public speaker and not ONCE did anyone ask if I’m ok lol. I’m seen as ambitious.
If I were in therapy, I’d have been asked by now what the fuck am I doing. I’ve confessed in videos on live that I’m running, not ambitious but I don’t want to slow down to hear the voices in My head and think. The more I think the more I get to realize how fucked up life is, and then I want to get away.
I keep creating project after project because I literally have nothing else, no friends no family, My son is 17-years-old and wants little to so with Me. Though there’s a great guy in My life right now, but we’re still in the casual dating, getting to know each other phase. We’re just heading into four months and we haven’t had the “relationship” talk yet. Even if we did, it wouldn’t change anything.
I get as much of his free time as he has. With him working full-time six days a week and having so many kids, I’m happy that he makes so much time for Me. A relationship wouldn’t allow him more time and I’d just e hurt that I’m in a relationship where I can’t spend real time with My guy. At least now, I’m under no obligation to sit home bored and alone since he’s so busy. I’m doing it by choice.
I work because I have nothing else to do that is positive, I have no positive circle of friends or support. The more I try to stay involved in projects that do Myself, the community and others the more I think it will help Me.
It’s helped Me be stronger, it’s helped Me understand how alone I really am and think I’m ready to accept it. I have two big projects on My plate, this book and the author’s panel discussion I’m hosting in December. I’m a team of one, making things happen to highlight and showcase others. I have no help, I have to find sponsors for this event. It’s all on me and My budget.
I’m tired. All year I’ve been running from the fact that I am tired overwhelmed, in pain and just trying to stay busy enough to not hurt Myself. I’ve fallen out of all the positive habits and routines I had, stopped budgeting and started spending more money on My business and supporting others than Myself, given too much of Myself and gotten too little in return.
I’m going to finish My projects and then start the year off a little more relaxed and to Myself.