I've Written New Integrity Contracts with Myself & My Son
Reevaluating My Integrity Led Me to a Better Relationship with My son and Myself.
I grumbled about the challenges I’d face giving up My convenience and luxury to spend eight days in the mountains last month. I went with the false pretense that I had no real reason to be there, had no clue what I needed a breakthrough in and the notion that I was wasting money, time and energy.
The truth is that I was just comfortable in My semi stable life and afraid to rock the boat lest I lose what little stability I had. Before I left, you could even hear Me telling people that My life was perfect. It wasn’t, it isn’t; it’s damn good though.
Like I tell My clients, God wants us to live in abundance, not a life of “it’s better than I had before.” I think I needed the reminder Myself because I had surely gotten comfortable there Myself even though it felt wrong. The truth was, I missed My son and I was tired of waiting for him to “come around.” I was quick to say that I trusted that God was working on the situation because that meant that I didn’t have to.
Likewise, My need for quality female relationships. For some time, I’ve had one close female friend and a few close associates. Anything and everything I could think of, I’d take one of them to, quick to say “just come, I’ll pay” so they couldn’t use finances or wardrobe as an excuse to not accompany Me on whatever adventure I sought.
The tour took so much out of Me; I was forced to stick to a schedule, put My own feelings aside to benefit the collective, put up with the problems and attitudes of many and much worse. I had put Myself in the position to be the go-to person for that it was serious screwing with My mental. I was carrying a burden too big to carry alone, spilling out onto My team and mate. I found Myself having no one to talk.
When the tour ended, I found Myself depressed. I had given My all and I’m not sure if I benefited in any way. My birthday was days away and though I’d be out the country, I was planning to return home, none of My friends or associates had attempted to make any real plans with Me. I had gotten some “we should hang outs” but no dates, time or idea of it so it could be planned.
I went to Mexico angry, ready to get away from everyone because no one cared. I felt like even My closest friend and I had grown apart in recent months. She was suddenly extremely busy with things she wasn’t ready to discuss yet.
While in Mexico, I did My best to stay detached and alone because I felt there was no point in wasting time bonding with people who live too far away to be real connections. Though I live in a cyber society, I have more than enough “online friends.”
We had to do a lot of self-development exercises that either paired us with a partner or a group. Over and over, the same two things kept coming up for Me, I missed My son and I was suffering from hurt from My need to be close to Black women. I know now that I was seeking validation and playing hero because it gave Me a way to connect to people. I realized that I was feeling like the only time women wanted Me around is when I’m doing something for them.
Coming from a background of molestation that led to years in the sex industry, I had spent a long time bending over backwards to please men. I’ve worked so hard to get away from that. In fact, I have very few males in My life these days because I refuse to compromise at any point with them. I was so focused on women that I didn’t notice that I had started bending over backwards for women who like many of the men, were looking to benefit in some way.
When Lisa taught us about Integrity Contracts all of My thoughts, My anger, My regrets with My son, all started to come together for Me. Lisa said that an Integrity Contract is an “unwritten, unspoken agreement between two people that says I will not either maliciously or with ill intent, do anything to cause you harm.”
I realized that I was angry with the females in My life because while only a few maliciously did things, there were many who took ill regard to My feelings, thoughts, words and needs. It was overwhelmingly, in most cases, about them. I mean, I had just landed in San Diego and made it clear that I was on vacation and a group of women were damn near insisting I stop My day to hop online so they could sing Me happy birthday. It was a great idea IF they hadn’t blatantly said fuck Me and My vacation because they were going to sing.
I was angry with Myself because while I was busy saying My son didn’t act like he wanted Me as a mom, I had gotten out of integrity with what it meant to be his mother. I had to come to terms with where I had failed him. Yes, he was out of integrity of what it meant to be a good son, but he’s 18 and if he’s going to learn integrity, it starts at home.
The exercise made Me look at literally, every relationship I have in a new light. I looked not only how others were out of integrity with Me, but how I was out of integrity with Myself by either not acting on things I should or taking actions that made Me busy but didn’t get Me closer to My real goals.
I came home from Mexico with a new attitude. Within 48 hours I’d scheduled time with My son and apologized for dropping the ball. I let him know that I realized where I’d gone wrong in supporting and loving him and then I turned to Myself. I promised Myself that I’d stop biting My tongue about wanting to feel like others were as invested in things as I was; that I’d stop buying validation, if no one suggested we go out and have their own money, I’d go alone, that I’d stop giving away so much time, money and energy. I promised to treat Me like I mattered as much as everyone else did, more.
Like My new Integrity Contract with My son, I immediately wrote a new one with Myself that’s caused immediate results. Only My man is calling Me now and he changed his number last week, I’m thinking of changing Mine too. New life, who dis type shit. I feel extremely isolated, but I’ve been saying for almost a year I needed new friends. I know that I was too busy being busy pretending I had a social life to properly balance work with the tour. The last few months have been mainly touring and socializing with the company I bought when not with My man. It’s past time to get back to work, I guess God is just removing all My distractions.