Redicovering Me & Reclaiming My Life Day by Day
I Haven’t Been Myself Lately, But I’m Getting Back on Track.
I’m sure if you’re an avid follower on social media, you’ve noticed the changes in Me, My attitude and lifestyle lately. It would be hard to not notice how much I’ve been attempting to distance Myself from people. When I withdraw from the world, it’s usually a sign that My mental health is declining again. Being as though I have no close friends, people can’t see that, instead I’m often labeled as being funny.
No matter how much I tell people I am a multiple, they always expect Me to be the same. I’m not capable of that any more than I am of telling and remembering a lie. I don’t have the capacity to lie or pretend with people, getting through each day takes enough out of Me.
I’ve made it clear from the inception of STMS that I started this movement as a way to build a community around Myself when I lost My support system. I wanted to find a way to not feel so alone, to connect with other survivors and hopefully, inspire someone along the way.
What happened instead, was that I was held up as a leader, held onto as a resource and drained as I attempted to heal Myself and if possible, help other not feel so alone as they healed.
No matter how much I gave, more was asked of Me and I felt compelled to oblige. How could I deny healing or assistance to anyone? While draining Myself through advocacy and assisting other healers emotionally as well as financially while on a fixed income and only the money I made through helping others, I lost My last pillar of support.
If you follow My writing blog, you know that from December 2016 until this year, I’ve been in and out of an emotionally abusive friendship. I’ve written long posts about how My so-called friend was saying and doing things regularly to hurt and offend Me; how they would buy me things and then attempt to hold them over My head and was continuously trying to make Me think it was My mental state, and not them, at fault.
I tried to end the friendship many times only for them to gaslight Me and convince Me I was tripping and being unreasonable. The friendship had been lost anything that made it palpable but it seemed that from the start of 2018, we both knew this friendship wasn’t going to make it. I was tired of complaining about the way he had changed and I was finally in a position that I was making a little more money and didn’t feel so stuck.
While we had never been romantic, he had been My support system emotionally and financially and I was terrified of losing My last piece of support after suddenly losing not only My therapist but best friend around the same time.
As I did better business wise, publishing My books and starting to have live events, our friendship grew more tense. He would be My drive to events and seemed to pick an argument with Me or find a way to throw a wrench into My happiness. By March, two major things happened and I knew that our days were numbered.
I went to Chicago to see a long-time fan, leaving My friend to house sit and watch My cat. He text Me incessantly, barely ate or slept while I was gone. He said he was concerned about Me but it was clear he was concerned about losing his hold over Me. When I returned to town, he picked Me up at the airport. It took us over 30 minutes to pull off because he literally sat in the car bawling, crying real tears, telling Me how much he missed Me, loved Me and how much Me being gone affected him.
The other thing coincided, I went to Chicago on someone else’s dime but with a pocket of My own money. My friend knew that I had started generating decent money in March, eventually making more in one month that I receive in disability for the year. From then on, things were tense because there was no longer a sense of imbalance in our friendship When he acted an ass and didn’t want to do something, I said no worries, I’ll do it.
I further took back My power by hiring an assistant in April. She wasn’t much workwise, but she was a driver and extra hand which replaced him and that was enough. He hated her, constantly had something to say and suddenly, now he was free to drive Me places again with no trouble. In May, I held a major event for STMS, Crazy Like a Fox, he attended and arrived early, asserting himself into work when I hired people to do it. He gave My hired help trouble, though I didn’t find out until days later. He even had words with My assistant that day; of course, when I was finally told what happened and asked him about it, he denied it. That was our last actual phone conversation and damn it was a tense one.
It really ended with us knowing the friendship was dead and Me feeling stuck because I use one of his accounts for something very important and I asked him if he decided to stop speaking to Me, at least have the curtesy to not try to destroy Me by shutting down the account he knew I needed. I asked him to give Me 90 days to get everything straight in My name, because financially nor paperwork wise, I couldn’t just up and do it over night.
I feel like for him, the last straw was when I went on vacation without a word in June. I picked up and hit 3 states in 3 days with a female friend, My first ever vacation on My own dime. When he texted Me one day I said I was on day 2 of My vacation, his texts got even more sparse after that. They used to be daily, I used to contact him first until he was “too busy”. Father’s Day was the following week and after wishing him a great holiday, I may have gotten one or two more texts before a week later, I realized we hadn’t spoken.
My anxieties immediately flared, for 5 years, I’ve talked to this man regularly; for three years, daily. We only stopped talking whenever he was attempting to punish Me for not putting up with his shit or he was hiding some disgusting thing he had done. I got worried. Called and texted thinking something was wrong. I wasn’t getting replies but what I also noticed is that I wasn’t getting his voicemail on the first ring. There was nothing to indicate something was wrong with him, he just seemed to be avoiding Me. His birthday was July 1st, I sent a gift to his home with no response.
For someone who knows Me well enough to know that abandonment is My biggest emotional trigger to suddenly go silent without even a fuck you, is just another example of the emotional manipulation and abuse he constantly tried to inflict on Me. At this point, I’m now full of daily anxiety, trying to get My shit together so if he shuts down this account I need, I can still function properly.
The anxiety and depression I was dealing with from losing My last friend even though they were also My abuser, while being pulled in every direction and drained by people who couldn’t care less about Me, cause me to snap. I fell into a deep depression that no one noticed because all I exhibited was anger. I was so angry in May and June, so hurt. It never fails when you’re from the bottom, it seems the closer to the top you get, the closest to you try to pull you down. I was doing so well, things were almost coming together and here he was to pull the rug from under Me.
It wasn’t as devastating a thought this time, I had learned how to make money without My body and within the limits of My mind. However, the depression, anxiety and emotional roller coaster I was on, kept Me from being able to actually work. I got more depressed.
As if I wasn’t going through enough at one damn time, the government sent Me a letter saying they were reviewing My disability claim. I’m no longer in therapy due to Mine dropping Me suddenly over insurance and My constant procrastination in seeking a new one, so they had Me go see their shrink. Meanwhile, I got a letter saying My insurance was stopping, My card didn’t work to pick up meds when I went to use it and I thought I was going to go fucking crazy. It seemed My whole world was caving in around Me at once.
May…June…July….were like hell for Me, full of tension, anxiety, depression, stress and physical pain. The only silver lining was that in late May/early June, I started coming home to find trinkets and gifts waiting for Me. Eventually, I found out that I had a transatlantic admirer who wanted to support My goals, dreams and event some of My wants.
I was leery of this affection, as you know men rarely give anything without wanting something n return and I had just gotten out of what I felt was an emotionally and financially abusive friendship. Reluctantly, I would add new items to My wish list, getting bolder as days went by asking for bigger gifts; he obliged. Over time, we started to talk and I realized that he was harmless and in fact, he was more like an earthbound angel. He was someone who had watched Me, My businesses, My transition and struggles over the years.
I relaxed and allowed Myself to breathe finally recently, trusting that he will at least respect Me enough to not just up and ghost Me when he decides he no longer wants to be here to support Me. He’s too far away to make demands of Me and try to control Me. I told him about the last friendship I had and how it ended. Since I was able to relax and trust that he is now My pillar of support, I’ve had time to do some much needed restructuring, thinking and growing.
When not pressed to make money, one has time to think about if they really want to do the things they were doing for money. I started coaching last year and I love it, but I was coaching as well as working with other clients as a consultant while heavy into My advocacy work as well as helping others grown their business. I was being pulled in too many directions. I couldn’t even get My mind to focus enough to write articles. My everything was suffering.
I’ve taken the time now to start refocusing Myself and work so that by September, I am functioning like a business woman again. I miss blogging regularly. I am committing Myself back to blogging 2 days a week, I have been slipping on My magazine columns, I am getting back on track there as well along with focusing on My newest book. I am writing My memoir, Porn to Purpose, which will be My 9th release.
I love My coaching programs and will continue to coach women survivors and online business owners and in the fall, will launch My first group coaching program and women’s support groups. My biggest goal for the next 60 days is to get STMS officially registered as a business in MD and start a business bank account for it.
While taking this time to refocus and restructure, there has to also be room for growth. STMS is a year and a half old and it’s a very different type business than I’m used to running. My other businesses have allowed Me to stay isolated, working from home and not interacting with people much. STMS has Me in direct contact with people on a daily basis as I attempt to be there for them, help them heal or coach them. I just returned from New York and My second BlogHer conference of the year. It was a truly replenishing experience for Me, which I will write about in another blog post. I have two more out of state business development conferences lined up this year, thanks to My earth angel. I’m going to the Seen, Heard, Paid Conference in New York in October and Speak & Write with Lisa Nichols in Florida. Besides the two, I will actively seek out and attend more local business development events. I am also considering getting certified as a coach now.
Funny how this post was triggered by Me seeing this video from last year
By the beginning of 2019, I will be fully on track with STMS and where I want to take it in the future. I’m hoping to set up a book signing and speaking tour to start early 2019 as well. I already pushed Myself too much trying to do to much at one time like I’m not legally disabled. I won’t do that to Myself again, I will move slower and with more precision and planning.
I’ve learned that I need to be more selective in how I use My free time for advocacy. I can’t say yes to every person or organization that turns to STMS for help. I can’t trust everyone who purports to be in My corner, that assistant I hired, it turned out disastrous. It’s almost like I’m being reborn again in some ways. I’m trying to find balance in My losses, gains and opportunities for growth.
My birthday is in six days, I want to be excited like I used to be around My birthday, instead I’m grateful and for that, I’m happy. I often discredit people who attempt to be My friend, I don’t trust easily. Vicky has spent every birthday with Me for at least the last five years and this year, she decided to treat Me to a paint and sip experience. I’m looking forward to that, afterwards we will go to dinner, I told her I’ll pay for My own meal though because I’m greedy.
The week after My birthday I’m headed to Disney World for five days alone. I’m so excited, I’ve always wanted to go, and it’s on My goal list for 2018. I thought it was an impossible goal, but they say if you write it down, it’s damn sure possible.
I’ve been trying to get back to blogging here with you guys and on all the other blogs as well. I’m coming back to make sure you stay involved as I continue on this journey of Mine to be Stronger Than My Struggles.