He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, F*ck It, I Love Me
It's no secret that I struggle with low self-esteem and depression. It’s been a lifelong battle. I know I’m amazing, but life circumstances left Me with some feelings of inadequacy in certain areas. On top of any emotional or self-esteem issues I have, you add the fear, embarrassment and self-disgust I carry attached to My STD and I’m a total dating mess.
I’m legally emotionally disabled, meaning My emotions don’t operate on the “normal” spectrum often. The way I relate to people can seem strange. I’m not really a people person, but inside I crave to be, or one of My personalities is. I’m damaged, apprehensive and very untrusting. It takes so much for a person to get through My walls, let alone close to Me
Occasionally however, I meet someone, and the energy is so intense, I know that they are a part of My lie experience. I never know how, though, just that I am meant to connect with this person. I hadn’t felt that feeling in years, until six months ago. I met a guy on the bus and his energy was so intense that I actually let a stranger hug Me within minutes of meeting, I gave him my number and was immediately hooked.
From the day we met, I have had no interest in other men and immediately stopped sleeping with anyone else. I told him the first time he came over that I had Herpes and he was okay with it. He showed Me his paperwork a week later and we kept kicking it. His personal life is slightly in disarray. He’s in the process of rebuilding after falling way off track. Because of the rebuilding process, he’s living in transitional housing and has a nightly curfew. That kind of limits overnight visits and cuddling, which wouldn’t be a problem if he didn’t have such a stupid work schedule. He works six days a week, six hours a day, most days but those six hours are from 5 p.m. to 11 p.m., meaning that we only have early day time before he must go to work and then it’s home because he has a night time curfew. He also has 8 kids. I know, let’s not talk about it.
Where’s the time for us, Me?
Before I go forward, I must go back a little. I have emotional disabilities as I stated earlier, for Me, life is easier and more manageable when I operate routinely. Even when I realized how much a creature of habit I was, I was living life in a cycle and wondering why I wouldn’t change. They say the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. Let Me tell you a quick story.
In 2007, while visiting a friend, I met a guy whose energy told Me that he was a part of My journey, long story short, by the time I left his presence, we were already both hooked. Within two weeks, we were officially dating, that lasted until nearly 2011. In 90% of ways, for Me, it was a perfect relationship. There is very little I could complain about then or now. When it ended I was devastated emotionally because before him, I had never truly been loved by a man. That was something I hadn’t learned until he loved Me.
When it ended, I spent years single, alone because I refused to date anyone seriously until I found the same chemistry. In the meantime, I slept around, used men for sex and was treated as a sex object Myself. It wasn’t until late 2014 when I finally met a man whose aura was irresistible, he made Me feel alive again and the relationship we built reminded Me of the one I had lost. I fell in love. We broke up less than a year later, but continued to see each other. I couldn’t move forward because I was only willing to be with someone who reminded Me of the first man who loved Me. The energy must be that strong.
Here I’ve been, single since July 2015, and two and a half years later, I’ve realized that I am squarely in the middle of repeating the same cycle.
While My last relationship didn’t work out, there’s no doubt in My mind it was meant to be. I’m not even sure it’s over. We broke up on bad terms but for foreseeable reasons and knowing that these things were a problem going in, we both knew it wasn’t the right time to try to build a relationship. Neither of us wanted to lose the other, so we tried to make it work. Bad move. Life has changed some, neither of us are the same and those problems that once existed are no longer an issue.
But I digress, since I couldn’t have a man like either of My last two exes, I have resigned Myself to single life again, until the energy is right. I’ve been seeing this guy for nearly six months now. The day we met, I knew he was special. I still haven’t figured out why yet, except maybe his purpose was to remind me that I was alive. Before we met, I was moving around like I was dead, the ideas of sex, love or the possibility of a relationship, was dead to Me. He let Me know everything was still working and reminded Me that I am ready to settle down and build something real.
Over the course of the last six months, we went from talking on the phone and texting daily, seeing each other a few days a week to talking here and there and seeing each other once a week or less. Granted, his job location changed and when we initially met, he was working within walking distance from My house. I was CONVEINENT. When I stopped being convenient, I’ve stopped seeing and hearing from him as much. When we do talk, he constantly blames his job for why he has no time to spend with Me.
I’m a rational woman, I actually understand that with you being scheduled for only 36 hours a week, for some time you were less than full time, he recently was promoted. With 8 kids, anytime they ask you to do overtime and work additional shifts, I get that you have to do that. BUT. We make time for what’s important to us. He also has a pass system where he lives where he can request an overnight pass. I am not the press you about what I want type. If it’s not what you want to, it’s useless. I haven’t asked him to request one, I’ve made it clear I wanted to spend the night with him. We’ve only spent the night together once, when the rain was too bad for him to get home, because getting to Me from work was more…convenient.
As rational as I am, I think I started to get offended a little less than two months ago. I love that we talk openly, but it’s been at least twice he has told Me about another woman he met since Me or that he was out doing shit for. I’m not materialistic, especially with a man who has less than Me but in nearly six months, this man hasn’t rolled up in My face and offered Me a penny, let alone showed up with a cold Pepsi when I keep energy drinks in My fridge because that’s all he drinks.
To add insult to injury, he pulled the typical “guy move” and I didn’t even hear from him on Thanksgiving, didn’t expect to see him but damn, I couldn’t even get a hello. Around the same time, I mentioned to him that I was having a big event December 9th and it was on a Saturday, his one day off w week. You know what he told Me? He was going to be out of town at the time.
Not only could he request an overnight pass, he had requested one for days. While he was out of town, I didn’t hear from him once nor waste My time contacting him. When he returned he inquired as to why he hadn’t heard from Me. Yea right. I asked how his trip was and he proceeded to tell Me how miserable it was and how much money he ended up spending down there that he hadn’t planned to spend. I never asked him where he went or who he visited, but from his complaints, it was obvious that he expected whoever, to have provided everything while there. I started to check out.
I checked Myself and made Myself have whole conversations with Myself about why I have been letting this man have a role in My life past “fun toy”. Asking Myself why I have actually been trying to tell Myself that this is normal and acceptable for his situation and that I have to just be patient, so it could work. I’m stupid. I just didn’t want to lose that energy, it’s been the only thing that made Me feel like a woman again in so long.
It took a lot for Me to realize that the emotions I felt towards him wasn’t love but gratitude. I am so grateful that he helped Me feel again, but I owe him nothing for that. I’ve, like many women, been grasping at straws and trying to decipher his words in a way that equals to he cares about Me. He might, but not in a way that is meaningful to Me. It took the man five months to simply say “I miss you”. It’s time to be real with Myself, I’m looking for affection and emotion where there is sex because I love the energy. I can have the energy without the dreams of a future.
I told Myself after the trip shit earlier this month, that it was time to move differently. Time to stop being so readily available, to stop pretending his words had more meaning than they did. His words are limited and if actions speak louder than words, I’m a piece of ass, not someone he sees himself building with.
I prepared Myself to show him that I was no longer playing the game we’d been playing. I stopped calling and texting first. I made no attempt to plan to see him for Christmas and I didn’t reach out. I told Myself that if I mattered, I’d hear from him/ Our last correspondence before Christmas was on the 23rd, I almost broke down and text him on Christmas Eve but I told Myself it wasn’t worth it. Instead I spent the 23rd hanging with one male friend, and the morning of the 24th with another. Just hanging no hanky panky. After the 2nd left, I was tired, and I laid in My bed thinking how I missed My most recent ex.
At times, My ex and I reconnect, the strength of our energy and chemistry has only intensified over the years, even through our failed relationship. In fact, the last time I had been held and made love to was the last night I’d spent with My ex in early November. I almost feel like I made a Christmas wish because the was the last thing I thought about before bed. When I woke up, his was the first voice I heard He wanted to visit, it was Christmas eve. I said please come. He did, it was early evening, 7:30 p.m. or so. We shared a drink, a laugh and some smoke while having deep convo on the couch. Eventually, he was carrying Me off to the bedroom where we laughed talked and made love for hours. I slept on his chest most of the night and woke up Christmas morning in his arms, feeling as if I belonged there.
All night he told Me how he missed Me, missed he kind of convo we have, how much he loves Me, without solicitation. I didn’t have to beg or hint around to be made to feel a valuable and viable part of his life. It was so needed. The way he touches Me, it’s different than when we dated because he’s different, no loner selfish. He made it a point to cater to the small things I needed or wanted and even got up and made Me Christmas morning breakfast.
When he left Christmas morning so that I could get to preparing for My plans with My bestie, I was on cloud nine. I spent all day Christmas with My best friend, who came in from D.C. At no point did I hear from the guy I’ve been seeing for nearly six months, while I didn’t expect to see him, I don’t understand any reason he couldn’t say Merry Christmas or even good morning.
The day after Christmas I still wasn’t in a mood to reach out to a mf that obviously wasn’t thinking about Me. I spent the day working and hanging out with My homegirl and her wife. While chilling with them, he text, not called, but text, a simple hello. I hit him with the hey stranger. He told Me he wasn’t a stranger, it’s just every time he tries to come see Me, work gets in the way. I guess that means his phone stopped working as well. I didn’t ask. For everything he said I had a smart-ass remark. By evening he was telling Me that working so much keeps him out of trouble, I told him it also keeps him from building something real and wished him a good night.
I have plans to see My ex again this week, while I’m not looking specifically to rekindle something with him, I am looking to feel as if a man wants to be with and around Me. I’ve learned that I can’t keep being single and not dating until I feel this energy because then it makes it easy for a guy to take advantage of Me and My emotions. I have to learn to play the field again and decide who is best for Me, rather than getting attached so quickly.
In 2018 I will not date nor think the same, I was willing to settle for the basics because I came into this year still feeling less than in so many ways. In 2018 I will only entertain the idea of dating
Men who already have kids so that having one with me is not a big thing or they’re willing to get a vasectomy if we build long term.
Men who have a passion for travel
Men who are looking to settle down
Men who are affectionate
Men who live stable lives ie: Own home/apt, gainfully employed
Men who enjoy nature
Men who enjoy arts and culture
Men who don’t make me question where we stand
There is no room for a dip in My self-worth in 2018, nor the way I allow people, especially men to treat Me. I know what I want and the sooner I stop lying to Myself and trying to make Myself believe pieces of a man will satisfy me, I won’t make it. I want it all. I want love, romance, a white picket fence. I want yearly vacations, family holidays and stupid traditions that matter to us only. You know what, I’m going to get it too.
I’ve spent too much time worrying in the last six months if one day he will love Me, meanwhile, I haven’t been loving Me. I even almost stayed away from My ex, who I know loves Me, for a man who can barely force himself to say the words, “I miss you”.
I’m not just writing a workbook and teaching a workshop called New Year, New Me, I’m living it out loud. I will not go into 2018 with the same mentality, nor man holding Me back from getting all I deserve in life.
2018 et ready, here I come!
Are you in the DMV area? Join Me for New Year, New Me, a vision board, goal setting and wine party on January 20th or February 10, 2018. Register now https://www.eventbrite.com/e/new-year-new-me-vision-board-goal-setting-wine-party-tickets-41352255710?aff=efbevent